Gâteau
by VioTanequil
Summary: Crackfic starring Tsubokura Rin and Sasakibe Chojiro, with cameos by Kurotsuchi Mayuri, Akon, Hiyosu and Yamamoto Genryuusai Shigekuni. Cake.


Two shinigami bent over a box as they fiddled around with equipment that technically, they should not need to fiddle around with. After several burnt fingers and a yelp, the earpiece crackled to life.

Back in the control room, Yamamoto-soutaicho, Kurotsuchi-taicho as well as numerous members of the Twelfth Division's Research Institute peered intently at the screen, which crackled to life, though it was only showing a queer picture of a black spot, a white spot and what looked like the underside of something tall, skeletal in structure and black.

"Houston, we have a problem." The tone was almost gleefully happy.

It was oozing with pure happiness so intense that Kurotsuchi Mayuri had the distinct and sudden urge to cut all connections and seal the Senkaimon for the next few days. Dear _(scientifically proven non-existent)_ God.

"For the last time, Sasakibe-fukutaicho, we are not in Texas. Not everything is Western."

Akon resisted the urge to hit the keyboard with his pointed forehead. This was bad, really, really bad. It was one thing to endure Sasakibe, and it was another thing to attempt to correct him. It was a third thing to attempt to correct him in public, with Yamamoto-soutaicho on the other side of the line. It was like trying to tell Komamura that he should adopt a cat. It just did not happen.

"Now, now, Tsubokura-chan, you have gotten the story wrong. It is…"

"Don't call me Tsubokura-chan!"

"Tsubokura-kun then. And as I was saying, the Texas story is when Dorothy, this lovely young mademoiselle from Texas, was transported to this land called Oz by her red shoes."

"Oh. But I thought that it was…"

"Pardon the interruption," began Mayuri in an almost sickly sweet voice, "But you did mention a problem, Sasakibe-fukutaicho. The soutaicho and myself are hardly pleased that you have taken such an extended period of time to report the problem."

A subtle twist of the knob as the frequency changed. "TSUBOKURA! REPORT THE PROBLEM! NOW!"

"H-Hai, taicho. We are facing a major problem."

"Very well, monsieur, I shall begin."

If Akon did not know the taicho any better, he would swear that Kurotsuchi-taicho was foaming at the mouth mad. As it was, he knew that the scientist was about this close to going insane, with 'this' being about the width of Sasakibe's common sense.

"Then BEGIN, for GOODNESS' SAKE!!"

"Uh, h-hai, taicho."

"That was a rather untimely interruption, señor."

_"Hrrum…."  
_  
"S-Soutaicho!"

"Pay no attention, Tsubokura. The SI-TU-A-TION. NOW."

_"Hrrum…"  
_  
"At ease, my worthy comrade."

"You shut up."

"That is no way to treat a gentleman, young sir."

"If Akon says you shut up, you shut up unless you're the taicho or fukutaicho."

_"Hrrum…"  
_  
"TSUBOKURA!"

"H-Hai, taicho!"

_"Hrrum…"  
_  
"Akon! Tell him!"

"Get to the point, Tsubokura!"

"A-At once!"

_"Hrrum…"  
_  
"And I would suggest you keep that obnoxious mouth of yours shut, Sasakibe-fukutaicho."

"H-How dare y…"

"So… Rin?"

"Well, sir, you see… The thing is…"

_"Hrrum…"  
_  
"No, you cannot inform them of the proceedings, good sir! You cannot and you must not! It is a situation of extreme importance! With dire consequences! No, no, you must not!"

"B-But…!"

"I ORDER YOU TO INFORM ME, TSUBOKURA. OR CONSIDER YOUR CAKES EATEN."

_"Hrrum…"  
_  
"B-But…!"

"Spit it out, Rin."

"H-Hai."

"I am appalled, good sir. I would have thought that our relationship was much truer. I see now how I was mistaken about your true identity. You can never trust an androgynous male."

"_Hrrum…"  
_  
"W-WHAT?! RIN!? Y-YOU TRAITOR!"

"You have three seconds, Tsubokura, starting two seconds ago."

"B-But taicho…"

_"Hrrum…"  
_  
"ONE."

"We're lost."

"How could you, sir? After all we have been through together!"

"TSUBOKURA RIN. YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS, STARTING THREE SECONDS AGO, TO TELL ME HOW YOU CAN GET LOST IN THE FIELD JUST OUTSIDE THE SENKAIMON."

_"Hrrum…"  
_  
"The thing is… taicho, _we'renotexactlyatthefieldoutsidethesenkaimon_."

"YOU'RE WHAT?! THEN WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU? AUSTRALIA?"

"_Paris, taicho."_

"W-What!? Mind repeating that, Rin? Taicho is currently having a fit, and thus, I, Hiyosu, am taking over his position at the microphone as he is currently unavailable. Would you give a concrete, definite, LOGICAL reason?"

"Sasakibe-san said they sold good cakes in Paris."

"So it's all my fault, is it? See if I'll tell taicho. Hmph."

"YOU BIG BABY!"

"I'm definitely telling on you."

_"Hrrum…"_

* * *

And that is why Yamamoto never trusted the Twelfth Division to be honest, and why Mayuri never trusted Yamamoto to stay awake.

* * *

And that is why crack fic is called crack fic. I have no idea how this progressed from DelMarch's prompt of Tsubokura Rin. Anyways, hoped you liked it. My first crack fic. XD.

Cheers,  
Tan


End file.
